Alyssa Milano: Hey, you
Me:…
Alyssa Milano: Asshole!
Me: Huh?
Alyssa Milano: Yes, you, put down your ice cream… a-are you
eating that out of the carton?
Me: Yeah, well, I mean, it’s not a big deal. Th-there wasn’t that much left.
Alyssa Milano: Don’t you have any bowls?
Me: Well, I figured I’d finish it so I didn’t need a bowl
Alyssa Milano: Yeah, from what I understand 37 year old
bachelors don’t have much need for dishes
Me: Hey… you’re a jerk. Put Futurama back on. I was watching
that.
A.M.: Yes, there really is a pressing need for you to see
this episode for a sixth time.
Me: …what are you doing?
AM: No, what are you doing? It’s 3:17 and it’s a Wednesday.
Don’t you have work tomorrow morning?
Me: Well, no, I mean, I have Thursdays’ off. And Mondays and
weekends. It’s really more of just a part time thing, really just an in between
thing. Ya know, the job market, and, and things are just tough, ya know?
AM:…
Me: And right now I’m really just shopping myself around, ya
know. I didn’t feel like my last job gave me room to explore my abilities.
AM: Oh you a college grad?
Me: Yes, I am. Penn State, graduate class of 1997.
AM: Good school; what’d you major in?
Me:…art history.
AM: Hmmm, yeah I hear there’s a booming market in art
history.
Me: Alright, fuck you, I don…
AM: On the topic of fucking, aren’t you in bed with your
girl right now? You relegated to a night on the couch tonight?
Me: Well, it just kinda got to a point where things weren’t
working out. It’s just… ya know, I was a type A and she was a type B, and
things just… It-It’s not like it was anybody’s fault, it’s just, ya know,
different views, different goals…
AM: Who broke it off?
Me: Well, ya know, it’s not really about that, it’s more
just about what’s best for bo…
AM: Ah, so Jess left you.
Me: Well, it wasn’t like… wait how do you know her name?
AM: Don’t you change the subject on me.
Me: I’m sorry
AM: That’s right your sorry.
Me: It’s just… It… It’s just… (starts crying) I miss her so
much!
AM: You wish you were still spending your nights with her
wrapped in your arms, rather than sitting in your underwear, eating ice cream
and watching Comedy Central…
Me: (snorts) Yes!
AM: Well hey, listen, don’t get down on yourself. I mean,
I’m sure you got a lot going for you that you just don’t give yourself credit
for. What about art? Why are you watching TV? Why aren’t you over at your easil
right now?
Me: Ah, it just (snorts)… I kinda just lost interest in it.
It doesn’t do it for me anymore.
AM: Now come on, there, we both know that’s not true. I’ll
bet you love painting.
Me: No, it’s stupid!
AM: Or is it that no one would buy your paintings?
Me:…
AM: That’s what I thought. So, no meaningful career, no
family, no girl, no interests, no talents… ya know what you are?
Me: Stop it, Alyssa Millano, just stop it!
AM: (leans in menacingly) You’re nothing.
Me: (sobbing hysterically now)
AM: And you’re never gonna be anything, shithead. You’re
just gonna sit there in your fuckin underwear, growin your fuckin paunch off
ice cream, alone and waiting for the cold embrace of the inevitable to send you
mercifully into the dark, endless void. And no one will even care. No one will
mourn for you.
Me: (whimpering and rocking back and forth in the fetal
position) you’re being unfair…
AM: No. I gave my life meaning. (Shouting now) I was on
Who’s the Boss! I’m on the jerk off rotation of guys, half my age, who I don’t
even know! How many people’s jerk off rotations are you on?
Me: (In between sobs) Not many!
AM: That’s right. You’re meaningless, worthless scum.
Why-Why do you even keep going; that’s what I want to know. Why don’t you just
kill yourself right now? Why don’t you just fuckin do it, you little fuck faced
retard. Little pissy, bitch, faggot. Just do me a favor and blow your fucking
head off now.
(I continue quietly weeping as a long, awkward silence
ensues)
AM: (Suddenly soft and sweet) Hey there, buddy
Me:…
AM: Aw come on, chin up. Ya know how I said your life was
meaningless?
Me: (sob)… uh-huh…
AM: Well I have a way that your life can have meaning
Me: (lifting my head) Y-you do?
AM: That’s right. (Toward off camera) Bakiir! Bakiir! Get
over here now!
(a sickly African boy stumbles onto camera. He’s finally a
few feet away when Alyssa Millano pulls him to her side in one quick motion)
AM: (turning back toward me) Because for just fifty cents a
day, you can make sure that little Bakir here has enough the medicine he needs
to make it through the childhood bowl infections that are killing him slowly and
painfully from the inside.
Me: So for just fifty cents a day I can know that I’m making
a difference in the world?!?!?
AM: That’s right. Now go back to enjoying your ice cream and
reruns. It’s okay now.
Me: Oh thank you, Alyssa Milano! Thank you!
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