The Three Levels Of Name Shirking

            I would see her—recognizing her smile through a crowd—but the memory would remain lost in a contextless haze. I would pray that she hadn’t seen me. With all the subtly I could muster, I would turn my head so that she might only see an unkempt mass of hair. Now everything would be going on behind me. I would feel my heart thumping erratically in my throat, as I created social horrors of concrete realness beyond any of God’s creation. Like some modern day Orpheus I would fight every urge until finally it would become too much and I’d bolt around only to see her smiling face two inches from mine—the noses less than an inch apart so that I would feel the tiny hairs stand up. Our eyes would be lined up perfectly as though she had been waiting this whole time inches behind me. As though she knew what I was thinking.

            Heeeeyyyyy, GUS” she’d say with a joy that would now have taken on a sinister edge. My lip would quiver. What would she want me to say? God, please, somebody fucking help me. It wasn’t my fault, didn’t they see that, didn’t they see that this whole thing was absurd?
            “Please please please!” I’d yelp, cowering backward “I don’t know your name, just go away, just-just go away!”

            And I’d stumble backward in retreat like an injured deer until I had been lost in the thickets of the crowd…

            If you’re anything like me, and I assume you are since you are wasting your time reading this, then you are an awkward mess of a person and the task of remembering people’s names is just one more hurdle that stands between you and a functioning social life. Well worry no longer, because after much research and scientific testing I have devised a series of methods to ensure that you never find yourself in the horror of having to be reminded of someone’s name. Never again will you find yourself in the nightmare just described

Remember, it’s not that you forget their names because you don’t care. It’s that you care too much. Should a man be socially punished because he is too invested in a girl’s inner beauty and true nature to get caught up on the bourgeoisie labeling system of Christian naming? I say no, and once you employ my methods you will never again find yourself socially punished for such an absurd offense.

Level One: Name Remembrance

This is the simplest method and is recommended for beginners. This method revolves on name repetition so to implant the new acquaintance’s moniker in your memory. There are three sub-methods, however, all have the distinct drawback of making you look obsessive/insane if done improperly. The first is In Conversation Repetition. In this sub-method, you repeat the person’s name at least two or three times during your initial conversation. So instead of saying “I’m so sorry that your son was just killed” you’ll say “I’m so sorry your son was just killed, Joan”. Presto, seemingly casual banter has just been turned into a subtle but powerful tool for name remembrance. However, it is important to be sure not to overdo it. Drop the person’s name no more than once every three or four sentences. Otherwise you will end up saying something like “Joan, I couldn’t agree with you more, Joan. See, Joan, we really should stop letting the Jewish lobby bully us into supporting Israel, Joan”. Such over-repetition can turn a pleasant first conversation into something vaguely creepy and uncomfortable.

The second sub-method is that of Post-Conversation repetition. This is a very valuable tool in that it allows you to repeat the name however many hundreds of times it takes until it has been pounded into your subconscious. However, it is crucial that you make sure that the person is out of sight when this is being done. No matter how well you perform in your initial conversation, all progress will be lost if she turns back to see you repeating her name over and over while licking your lips and making a face of anger and determination.

The third Name Remembrance Sub-method is that of Written Repitition. This is perhaps the most effective submethod, but it is also the riskiest. In this sub-method, you will remember the person’s name until the end of the conversation, and then you will take out your Name Notebook. Finding a fresh page in the notebook, you will then jot down a brief physical description before filling up the page with her name. This method is doubly effective because not only does it reinforce the Name Remembrance, but it also allows for later study. IMPORTANT: Do not, under any circumstances, EVER, allow the notebook out of your sight. If the new acquaintance is to stumble upon a notebook with her name scrawled up and down the page next to a frank and possibly sexual description of her physical appearance, there will be no need to remember her name for a second conversation.

Level Two: Name Avoidance

            If, however, you are like me, there are simply too many names to remember. People simply throw them at you in a veritable minefield, when even the most callous and unseemly of persons should realize that it is rude to impose your name upon a stranger until at least the third interaction. In their blind narcissism, people seem to believe that they are all worthy of name remembrance regardless of their physical or personal shortcomings.

            But no matter, one must play by the established rules, and as such, names will be forgotten, no matter how diligently one employs the Level One methods. When this happens, there is a simple back-up plan that may be employed. Just don’t say their name. Ever.

            Oh sure, you could ask a mutual friend to remind you of the person-in-question’s name (assuming you have remembered the name of the mutual friend), but can that friend be trusted? Who’s to say that they won’t wait until the very moment your back is turned to begin divulging your social faux pas to the now-named acquaintance? You will have to spend every waking moment in agonizing fear and paranoia, never letting the mutual friend out of your sight, lest they might betray you.

            No, a far simpler method is to just ignore the person-in-question’s name. So rather than saying “Hey… chief” you will just say “Hey”. It should be noted, however, that once this method is employed, there can be no turning back. The name must forever be avoided, along with any situation in which you may be asked to introduce the person to someone.

Level Three: Name Sabotage

            Now we are at the pinnacle of Name Shirking methods. What makes this final, and most advanced method so ingenious is that it abdicates you of any responsibility to ever remember a name. And it allows you to maintain social dominance over the situation, regardless. This method takes its roots during the initial introductions. In it, you reach out your hand for a warm handshake, being sure to maintain pleasant eye-contact. You politely allow them to state their name first, and then, without batting an eye, you give a false name. For the Method to work properly, the false name should ideally be as far off as possible from your real name. Different starting letter, different ending letter, different number of syllables. However, it should be noted that all hope of success hinges on this introduction NOT taking place within the earshot of someone who may know your real name. If such a mistake is made, there is always the chance that some rude outside party will interject on your introduction of “Hi, my name’s Dominic” with “No, it’s not. What the fuck are you doing?”

            However, assuming that all things go smoothly, the trap will have been set. On the next meeting the new acquaintance will say something along the lines of “Hey Dominic!”. An amateur would blow his load at this point, but one must be patient. Allow the conversation to simmer, and wait for the name to be brought up a second, or even third time. Then, with earnest sympathy in your eyes toward their faux pas, you will correct them, and upon seeing their embarrassment, say something along the lines of “Oh it’s okay, no one ever remembers my name”. At this point the person will be so overtaken with sympathy and remorse that they will be yours to dominate. You may ask their name in an exaggerated way so to make it clear that you are only trying to make them feel better, or you may even never bother learning their name. It does not matter. You will have so totally crushed them that they will be yours.

            And so you will have made a friend.